my gay odyssey
this is a post in response to http://sathyasaibabaji.blogspot.com/2005/07/odyssey-of-gay-devotees.html. i've decide to start my own blog, looking at issues of homosexuality, love, sai baba and other related issues. your experiences/advice are welcome
Well what can I say to the above? My experience has been quite different.
I realized I was gay around the age of 13 tho my sexual thoughts started much younger. At the start I had heterosexual thoughts which gradually became gay. I don’t know why this happened but it did. Never in my life during those days did I ever think that my desires were immoral. To me it was so beautiful to be connected to another human being (who happened to be of the same gender). I was living in Africa (I am of sub continent origin) where homosexuality was not really talked about. It was a non issue. At the age of 13 my parents moved us to Australia where I was to remain to date. During my early years in Oz I became more and more attracted to men. My tender heart needed to love someone even at such an early age. There were many opportunities but for one reason or another I could not approach the object of my heart, mainly thru fear. I quickly became very depressed. I only wanted to love someone, but it looked like this was not to be.
Then at the age of 16 an event of sorts changed my life (unfortunately not for the better). I had my first sexual experience. Unfortunately it was in a public toilet. I felt terrible after that experience but it left a taste for sex in me. From that day on I indulged in sexual acts which I am so disgusted by. As time went on I needed to do more extreme acts to get satisfied. That innocence was all but gone. That desire to love someone was still very strong inside me but it was alleviated (and perhaps surpressed) somewhat by physical contact. I wanted so badly to find and experience my true love, that I used sex as an approximation, as well as to relieve my tension.
At the age of 20 (or thereabouts) a close friend of mine asked me to accompany him to see Sai Baba. I had heard of him but did not give him much thought. I was interested in eastern philosophy. Anyway I wanted a holiday and so I went with him. Deep inside, I also hoped that Sai Baba might provide some respite to my problems and (naively) thought that he might guide me to my true love. Over the next few years I became a devotee (?) of Swami. My problems and desires still persisted. But there was always hope.
At the age of 23 (or thereabouts) I met my Guru, who I feel I was guided to by Baba. My Guru is also of sub continental origin and is quite conservative. Being my Guru, I eventually told him that I was gay. His reaction was horrifying. He said it was wrong and immoral and everything you might expect a conservative person to say. I was devastated. I never in the deepest regions of my heart felt that loving another man was wrong. I was never happy deep inside about my sexual activities which had become quite extreme by then. However I never imagined that loving another man could be wrong. It felt so right to me; such a beautiful thing. Anyway over time my Guru became more accommodating. But he still maintained it was Adharma. You can imagine my hurt and confusion. He gave two alternatives, one to get married or two join an ashram. The first, I would consider Adharma. Can you imagine asking a girl to marry a gay man? The second was such a depressing thought, I would have rather died.
I am now 34. My situation has not changed. I am as confused and lonely as ever. How can something so beautiful to me, be considered a sin. The idea that some day I might meet my love is the only thing that is keeping me alive. I cannot see this as a sin. It is only love. To love someone and loose yourself. I can’t imagine anything more beautiful.
I hope you will post this blogg, tho it is lengthy. I welcome and comments or advice
Well what can I say to the above? My experience has been quite different.
I realized I was gay around the age of 13 tho my sexual thoughts started much younger. At the start I had heterosexual thoughts which gradually became gay. I don’t know why this happened but it did. Never in my life during those days did I ever think that my desires were immoral. To me it was so beautiful to be connected to another human being (who happened to be of the same gender). I was living in Africa (I am of sub continent origin) where homosexuality was not really talked about. It was a non issue. At the age of 13 my parents moved us to Australia where I was to remain to date. During my early years in Oz I became more and more attracted to men. My tender heart needed to love someone even at such an early age. There were many opportunities but for one reason or another I could not approach the object of my heart, mainly thru fear. I quickly became very depressed. I only wanted to love someone, but it looked like this was not to be.
Then at the age of 16 an event of sorts changed my life (unfortunately not for the better). I had my first sexual experience. Unfortunately it was in a public toilet. I felt terrible after that experience but it left a taste for sex in me. From that day on I indulged in sexual acts which I am so disgusted by. As time went on I needed to do more extreme acts to get satisfied. That innocence was all but gone. That desire to love someone was still very strong inside me but it was alleviated (and perhaps surpressed) somewhat by physical contact. I wanted so badly to find and experience my true love, that I used sex as an approximation, as well as to relieve my tension.
At the age of 20 (or thereabouts) a close friend of mine asked me to accompany him to see Sai Baba. I had heard of him but did not give him much thought. I was interested in eastern philosophy. Anyway I wanted a holiday and so I went with him. Deep inside, I also hoped that Sai Baba might provide some respite to my problems and (naively) thought that he might guide me to my true love. Over the next few years I became a devotee (?) of Swami. My problems and desires still persisted. But there was always hope.
At the age of 23 (or thereabouts) I met my Guru, who I feel I was guided to by Baba. My Guru is also of sub continental origin and is quite conservative. Being my Guru, I eventually told him that I was gay. His reaction was horrifying. He said it was wrong and immoral and everything you might expect a conservative person to say. I was devastated. I never in the deepest regions of my heart felt that loving another man was wrong. I was never happy deep inside about my sexual activities which had become quite extreme by then. However I never imagined that loving another man could be wrong. It felt so right to me; such a beautiful thing. Anyway over time my Guru became more accommodating. But he still maintained it was Adharma. You can imagine my hurt and confusion. He gave two alternatives, one to get married or two join an ashram. The first, I would consider Adharma. Can you imagine asking a girl to marry a gay man? The second was such a depressing thought, I would have rather died.
I am now 34. My situation has not changed. I am as confused and lonely as ever. How can something so beautiful to me, be considered a sin. The idea that some day I might meet my love is the only thing that is keeping me alive. I cannot see this as a sin. It is only love. To love someone and loose yourself. I can’t imagine anything more beautiful.
I hope you will post this blogg, tho it is lengthy. I welcome and comments or advice
posted by Dreamer at 11:43 am
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