Lost Keys

I left Mother's house and came to have a bath. I had a bath and used up all the water in the buckets. I remember i needed to empty them lest mosquitoes and the like use the stagnant water. After having a shower i waited for Prabhu Prem to come and pick me up. While waiting i hung around the room naked letting  the fan cool my body. I gradually started adding clothes and had my pyjamas and vest on at that stage. Prabhu Prem then came and i put the kurta on and we headed off.

We went to Prabhu Prem's house to collect his bag and I remember him apologizing for not having any chairs for me to sit on. I said it was ok. We then wheeled his bag to mother's house. On the way we saw our taxi and Prabhu Prem was telling the driver that the way was blocked due to roadworks and that he would need to go around to get to Mother's house.

We then proceeded to Mother's apartment via the road works and got to her appartment. Some of mother's relatives were there. If i had the key at that time i would have left it on the coffee table. I remember there was an event where i left the keys on the coffee table but i'm not sure that this was that event. I went into the room to finalize the packing and came out. I asked where Prabhu Prem was and Mother's sister said that he went out to meet the driver. I said i would go to see if he needed any help. I walked towards the seashore and enjoyed to breeze for a moment. I saw Prabhu Prem and the driver coming on the road. As they came near me i motioned that i would see them later. After a couple of minutes i headed back to Mother's apartment. 

... spirituality is not a high intellectuality, not idealism, not an ethical turn of midn or moral purity and austerity, not religiousity or an ardent and exalteed emotional fervour noteve a compoind of these excellent things; a mental belief, creed or faith, an emotional aspiration, a regulation  or conduct according to a religious or ethical formal are not spirutoa achivement and experience. these things are of considerabl value to mind and life; they are of value to the spirutal evolution itself as preparatory movements disciming, purygfing or give a suiatble form to nature; but they still belong to the mental evolution - the beginning of a spiritual realization. 

Coming Out - Preamble

Well ... i've tried to postpone this as far as possible. my brother is not married and i was hoping to do this after he got married. but it looks like thats not happening any time soon. its crunch time. now i'm at the edge of a cliff and no where to go. need to go thru the storm. lord help me. need all the prayers i can muster. if you are reading this please pray for me and my mother. i love her dearly and don't wan't to hurt her. but no choice. it has to be done. have no idea how she will take it. she is so depressed as it is. sister is divorced and brother not married and i'm gay. for her couldn't be anything worse. she is depressed. when i came from overseas i saw her face. some happiness to see me. masking depression.

i'll try to make it easier for her. let my sister know that i'm about to come out and also let my teacher know. will ask my teacher to provide support. truth is i want someone to convince me not to tell her. i dont wan't to tell her but its gone on for long enough. between my sister and teacher she should have some support.

i'll tell her that i'm not sexually attracted to girls, rather than saying i'm attracted to men. that should buffer the impact somewhat. i'll tell her that its not fair to the girl to marry her. if she is still not convinced somewhat then i'll tell her would she want it on her daughter or granddaughter. will apologise for her being in this situation. but will let her know that i'm alright. will talk about joining an ashram. she could see it as something noble. will use a stoop to conquer approach. try to get her to come to the conclusion that marriage is not a good idea. it gives me goosebumps writing this. don't know how she will react. will convince her that marriage is not a good option. that she will be around for another 20 years max. i have to make decisions thats right for me.

any suggestions welcome
dear god i hope she understands

the problem with sex

The problem with sex is memory. when i have sex, the memory remains so clear in my mind, and is quite easy to recreate and even modify to exclude anything that was not satisfactory. most of you would say great ... you can have sex and recreate it at home .... and enjoy the event over and over again. actually i do this several times, imagining the pillow is the partner and then recreating the event. it is quite nice but unfoturnately there are many problems with this. one is that i tend to recreate it everywhere i go, even at work. this makes me very horny indeed. it also increases my drive to such an extent that when i next have sex, i cum out in an explosion. i tend to do things that maybe i should not and then regret later. secondly the real thing can never be as good as the memory, since it is modified to make it perfect. thirdly the memory (especially the recreation) gives you the impression that it is real, when in fact it is not. again reality can never compare.

i often wonder with my sex drive whether i can be monogomous. it is amazingly strong in me. and with this ability to recreate it, it is even stronger. even as i write this at work, my undies are soaked with precum.

i would like to have sex and then erase it from my mind. if only this was possible

reflection

Sai Ram Teacher

Thanks for the reassuring words. i've been reflecting and retrospecting over my experiences (to which more of the same has been added). my life is a serious of experiences which can only be explained by karma or misfortune. i often wonder why the yearning for intimacy is so strong inside. to the extent that my judgement becomes very clouded. i think its my destiny to be alone. which is ironic for someone whose only goal is to find someone. over the years i've substituted sex for intimacy which has now become an addiction. ironically it is the only remedy that provides some relief. which is not a good thing. i think tho, in spite of my experiences, i will always aspire to that relationship. i think that kind of love between two people is so wonderful. its a love between peers who have no obligation to love but for some reason connect deeply with each other. perhaps i'm too much of a romantic i've recently found a song by Tyagaraja "Endaro Mahanubhavalu" which i really like. its keeping me company these days

Sai Ram

reality or illusion or delusion

i've come to realize that i get too attached to guys too quickly. i think its like when i get close to a guy and there is an opportunity for relationship i jump right into it. the consequences usually being me getting hurt.

in hindsight i think i even see and build characteristics in these guys that might not exist. this is really scary as it clouds judgement. the french guy i was into is not into me. actually after further internet chats with him, my opinion has changed. i'm not as interested as i was before. is it because he is not interested and so this is a coping mechanism. is it because he is not interested and so my interest wanes since a relationship cannot come out of it. or is it because my judgement was clouded as a result of the the opportunity. its hard to tell.

more recently i met another guy who i really like. again i wonder if my judgement is clouded. he feels like a nice guy. i like they way he does things and says things. he has kindness in him. i wonder if all this is also made up in my mind. this time however he is reciprocating, not to the extent i am but to some extent. unfortunately he is moving to a new city and so a relationship cannot survive.

what a life i lead. it is amazing and scary. when will it all end. will it end badly or will it end well. or will the wheel of time just keep rolling until my death. i do hope that before i die my life makes sense to me. i think its the very least that can be afforded to me

gita

Sai Ram Teacher.

After writing the email yesterday i still could not go to sleep. so i decided to read some Gita. i randomly selected a page. it was chapter 18 stanza 36 (about the three kinds of happiness).

i understood the gist of it and it really scared me. for me to experience those words this personality must die, basically i must die. now i feel its better to be in my current misery. at least i have some means of relief

devastation

Sai Ram Teacher.

how are things with you. unfortunately i have some mental frustrations which i want to air out. actually i have started a diary online, which is available for public viewing and where people can put comments on as well. its quite good.

it looks like no matter where i am in the world difficulties follow. i hope you are the only one to read this lengthy email.

i recently met a gay guy on the internet and after meeting him i started to get attached to him. anyway it appears he does not have the same attachment and this brought up a lot of painful emotions, memories and frustrations

as you know ( tho you may not be happy about it) the driving force in my life is this dream to be in love with another man with so much depth and sincerity, that i cannot imagine a greater experience or life than that. this has been with me since the age of thirteen and it will not leave till i die. i don't know why it is so strong in me but it is. if someone says who is gana, you can this he is this dream and nothing but that dream. without hope that it will some day be fulfilled i would not be alive today

it was only after i met you that the idea that it might be considered wrong was even remotely entertained. and in spite of all your attempts, there is not a cell in my body that thinks this dream is anything but good. to me there can be no greater experience in my life. in fact i think it is so wholesome and nice that it has to be God given

this is not a love of a woman or child or charity or God, but of another man. i could not understand why you persisted in marrying me off. to me this is a sin. who would ask a girl to marry a gay man. it is not only a sin to the girl but to me to deny myself my life. if God's wish for me is to marry then i might as well jump off a cliff. to go to an ashram is equally as bad. i would burn inside that place

so the only solution as pathetic as it may be is to continue this way hoping that some day something nice will happen. but i grow weiry of this life. i am tired of living like this. internally i am dying eveyday. there is so much loneliness it is unbearable. it is the loneliness of not being loved and not being able to love. whenever there is some hope it gets taken away. this is getting too much for me. if this is karma i dont know what horrible things i have done to deserve this.

i don't know how i ended up like this. 34 years, sad and alone. i always feel this should not have happened. i should have had a different life with some joy and satisfication. i cannot continue like this without going insane.

as you know i am not spiritual person. i cannot meditate and mantras have no effect on my mental state. i only do bhajans for the music. in fact you know the reasons i came to you all those years ago was not for spirituality but to make some sense of my life which to date is a mystery. why would God deny something that is so beautiful. if God thinks this is a sin then my life should end now.

i hope that before i die at least i should i have some sense of my life. why all these things have happened to me. if God wants deny me my life then at least he should make sense of it.

during this week i decided to abstain from masturbation for one week. it was such a difficult thing for me to do. tomorrow will be the last day of my abstenance. in all of these things it (masturbation) is the only thing that releases some tension and provides some mental relief. bhajans, mantras or any other spiritual exercises do not come anywhere near this. and during the time of abstenance i do not get any extra energy only frustration.

I abstained also in the hope that God might answer my prayers. it looks like this will not happen. this is the story of my life. i think it is so amazing that after 20 years of rejection i still feel God will answer me. this is so crazy. but i don't have anything else. this is me. even more crazy is that i as i write this i hope God might have some some sympathy.

Teacher you may say many things about what is right and wrong. what i should and should not do, but my experiences are the only things real to me.

Anyway I hope you don't mind this kind of email. perhaps i should have phoned but i needed to get my thoughts aired out. and writing this letter has helped a little. it is now 1:30 in the morning i don't think i will get much sleep

Sai Ram

longing

I had a tough week. i suspect most of my posts will be quite depressing. as i don't think i'll be writing if i was in a good mood. anyway recently i met a guy on the internet. i am currently in a foreign land and was looking for some gay friends. my intention was to meet for friendship, however after a few minutes of meeting him i started to fall in love with him. he had the characteristics of my perfect guy; cute and kind. there was something soft and innocent about him. this happens so rarely to me and in fact i can count such feelings on the fingers of one hand. there is something about soft (thats the best way i can describe this characteristic) guys that i fall head over heels for

we went to a pub with his friend and we talked. i wasn't sure whether he felt anything for me let alone to that extent. anyway we parted and the following week i sms'd him to watch a movie. he said that he was not available until the end of the following week (end of this week), i was devastated as it kinda means he's not that keen on me. this was huge disappointment.

this whole experience brought up a lot of emotions that had been suppressed for a long time. somewhere deep inside of me i have a deep longing to connect with someone. to love in such an intimate way that we become one. i guess many might say that i'm looking for my soul mate. me and the rest of the human population.

i wonder where this dream comes from. why is it so strong in me. (or does everyone else have it as well). i can say that it has governed my life since i was 13 years old. perhaps i watch too many movies. watching two lovers with their first gentle kiss. its all i ever think about.

unfortunately over the years and several disappointments later, this dream has been beaten down to the recesses of my heart. on occasions like this it surfaces with hope renewed. funnily enough this is probably the closest i've got to it being a possibility. most of my past objects of affection (as few as they were) turned out to be straight.

one thing that puzzles me is that for someone with such a strong dream, i should have come close to realising it. i know i have a lot to offer, yet for some reason it has evaded me. is it karma, some part of my personality or just bad luck. or does everyone struggle with this, hoping to have what only a few have.

in the end life can beat everything out of me but hope. that will never die, no matter how weak it is, no matter how deep it has hidden. for with hopes death comes my death