longing

I had a tough week. i suspect most of my posts will be quite depressing. as i don't think i'll be writing if i was in a good mood. anyway recently i met a guy on the internet. i am currently in a foreign land and was looking for some gay friends. my intention was to meet for friendship, however after a few minutes of meeting him i started to fall in love with him. he had the characteristics of my perfect guy; cute and kind. there was something soft and innocent about him. this happens so rarely to me and in fact i can count such feelings on the fingers of one hand. there is something about soft (thats the best way i can describe this characteristic) guys that i fall head over heels for

we went to a pub with his friend and we talked. i wasn't sure whether he felt anything for me let alone to that extent. anyway we parted and the following week i sms'd him to watch a movie. he said that he was not available until the end of the following week (end of this week), i was devastated as it kinda means he's not that keen on me. this was huge disappointment.

this whole experience brought up a lot of emotions that had been suppressed for a long time. somewhere deep inside of me i have a deep longing to connect with someone. to love in such an intimate way that we become one. i guess many might say that i'm looking for my soul mate. me and the rest of the human population.

i wonder where this dream comes from. why is it so strong in me. (or does everyone else have it as well). i can say that it has governed my life since i was 13 years old. perhaps i watch too many movies. watching two lovers with their first gentle kiss. its all i ever think about.

unfortunately over the years and several disappointments later, this dream has been beaten down to the recesses of my heart. on occasions like this it surfaces with hope renewed. funnily enough this is probably the closest i've got to it being a possibility. most of my past objects of affection (as few as they were) turned out to be straight.

one thing that puzzles me is that for someone with such a strong dream, i should have come close to realising it. i know i have a lot to offer, yet for some reason it has evaded me. is it karma, some part of my personality or just bad luck. or does everyone struggle with this, hoping to have what only a few have.

in the end life can beat everything out of me but hope. that will never die, no matter how weak it is, no matter how deep it has hidden. for with hopes death comes my death