devastation

Sai Ram Teacher.

how are things with you. unfortunately i have some mental frustrations which i want to air out. actually i have started a diary online, which is available for public viewing and where people can put comments on as well. its quite good.

it looks like no matter where i am in the world difficulties follow. i hope you are the only one to read this lengthy email.

i recently met a gay guy on the internet and after meeting him i started to get attached to him. anyway it appears he does not have the same attachment and this brought up a lot of painful emotions, memories and frustrations

as you know ( tho you may not be happy about it) the driving force in my life is this dream to be in love with another man with so much depth and sincerity, that i cannot imagine a greater experience or life than that. this has been with me since the age of thirteen and it will not leave till i die. i don't know why it is so strong in me but it is. if someone says who is gana, you can this he is this dream and nothing but that dream. without hope that it will some day be fulfilled i would not be alive today

it was only after i met you that the idea that it might be considered wrong was even remotely entertained. and in spite of all your attempts, there is not a cell in my body that thinks this dream is anything but good. to me there can be no greater experience in my life. in fact i think it is so wholesome and nice that it has to be God given

this is not a love of a woman or child or charity or God, but of another man. i could not understand why you persisted in marrying me off. to me this is a sin. who would ask a girl to marry a gay man. it is not only a sin to the girl but to me to deny myself my life. if God's wish for me is to marry then i might as well jump off a cliff. to go to an ashram is equally as bad. i would burn inside that place

so the only solution as pathetic as it may be is to continue this way hoping that some day something nice will happen. but i grow weiry of this life. i am tired of living like this. internally i am dying eveyday. there is so much loneliness it is unbearable. it is the loneliness of not being loved and not being able to love. whenever there is some hope it gets taken away. this is getting too much for me. if this is karma i dont know what horrible things i have done to deserve this.

i don't know how i ended up like this. 34 years, sad and alone. i always feel this should not have happened. i should have had a different life with some joy and satisfication. i cannot continue like this without going insane.

as you know i am not spiritual person. i cannot meditate and mantras have no effect on my mental state. i only do bhajans for the music. in fact you know the reasons i came to you all those years ago was not for spirituality but to make some sense of my life which to date is a mystery. why would God deny something that is so beautiful. if God thinks this is a sin then my life should end now.

i hope that before i die at least i should i have some sense of my life. why all these things have happened to me. if God wants deny me my life then at least he should make sense of it.

during this week i decided to abstain from masturbation for one week. it was such a difficult thing for me to do. tomorrow will be the last day of my abstenance. in all of these things it (masturbation) is the only thing that releases some tension and provides some mental relief. bhajans, mantras or any other spiritual exercises do not come anywhere near this. and during the time of abstenance i do not get any extra energy only frustration.

I abstained also in the hope that God might answer my prayers. it looks like this will not happen. this is the story of my life. i think it is so amazing that after 20 years of rejection i still feel God will answer me. this is so crazy. but i don't have anything else. this is me. even more crazy is that i as i write this i hope God might have some some sympathy.

Teacher you may say many things about what is right and wrong. what i should and should not do, but my experiences are the only things real to me.

Anyway I hope you don't mind this kind of email. perhaps i should have phoned but i needed to get my thoughts aired out. and writing this letter has helped a little. it is now 1:30 in the morning i don't think i will get much sleep

Sai Ram