reality or illusion or delusion

i've come to realize that i get too attached to guys too quickly. i think its like when i get close to a guy and there is an opportunity for relationship i jump right into it. the consequences usually being me getting hurt.

in hindsight i think i even see and build characteristics in these guys that might not exist. this is really scary as it clouds judgement. the french guy i was into is not into me. actually after further internet chats with him, my opinion has changed. i'm not as interested as i was before. is it because he is not interested and so this is a coping mechanism. is it because he is not interested and so my interest wanes since a relationship cannot come out of it. or is it because my judgement was clouded as a result of the the opportunity. its hard to tell.

more recently i met another guy who i really like. again i wonder if my judgement is clouded. he feels like a nice guy. i like they way he does things and says things. he has kindness in him. i wonder if all this is also made up in my mind. this time however he is reciprocating, not to the extent i am but to some extent. unfortunately he is moving to a new city and so a relationship cannot survive.

what a life i lead. it is amazing and scary. when will it all end. will it end badly or will it end well. or will the wheel of time just keep rolling until my death. i do hope that before i die my life makes sense to me. i think its the very least that can be afforded to me